Fleeting images

Sweet, sweet summertime. I have always claimed that I would much rather live in an eternal winter than an eternal summer. However, that statement is on it's way to being reversed, I feel.

Summer is a symbol of peace. No more exams. No more showers in a hall bath. No more "I'm dropping out and never coming back" thoughts. Just me, the sun, and a plethora of good music. (I take much pride in my iTunes library, if you couldn't already tell.)

I can already tell that this will be a summer full of restoration. While I may have felt drained by the closing of a somewhat stressful and extremely challenging year, I feel that day by day, my cup is being filled by time spent with the people I treasure most. My nineteen-year-old brain is finally starting to realize that this life is short. My freshman year of college passed by as if it were an exit on a highway. Now it is nothing more than a fleeting image in my mind that I am sure I will reminisce on when I attempt to remember how it was to have little to no responsibilities. My point in saying all of this is that although I may have 90 years left to live (yes, I plan on living until I am 109), those 90 years will never be enough time with the people I love. Maybe I am starting to sound like your grandma, I know I sound like mine. However, the cliches that I repeatedly shook my head at are now proving themselves to be true. And quite honestly, it is beginning to scare me, this whole time passing quickly thing. Imagine how nostalgic I will be once I have a husband and kids to share my life with. Is time going to slow down then? Probably not.

So for the time being, I will revel at the bliss of a summer in the Lowcountry and a time in my life in which I have an unimaginable amount of things to look forward to.

Happy Summer! 

So long, Freshman year.

What a day. What a week. What a month. What a year. I'm almost positive I began my college experience sitting outside this coffee shop attempting to express to you my excitement and eagerness to launch myself into a new life. And oddly enough, that is how I am ending it. Technically, my freshman year is not complete. I am left with a week and a half in which I am sent into a state of abnormal and unhealthy sleeping patterns and the most interesting combinations of leggings and whatever clean shirt I can find (because let's face it, this college student LOATHES laundry). By the end of that time period, I feel as though I won't be my usual self. So it's probably best if I do this now.

I wish that I could easily map out the 10 most valuable, cookie-cutter lessons I've learned during my freshman year of college. Everyone else seems to have an abundant amount of knowledge in that department seeing that my Facebook newsfeed is literally blowing up with such articles. But this is not one of those, I assure you.

If someone were to ask me, "What did you take away from this year?", I would most likely laugh in their face. Not in an effort to be disrespectful, but simply because that is the worst question I have ever heard in my life. What didn't I learn this year? That would initiate a shorter response. I fear that no one is ever really prepared for the real answer that accompanies general questions.

So here is the raw and honest truth.

 -never wear cotton leggings to yoga class
-you don't know what procrastination is until you put off a 12 page paper for 6 hours until it's due
- foreign boys at Winthrop University are smooth talkers
-the American ones are smooth talkers too
-the only advantage to a hall bath is that you don't have to clean it yourself
- never leave a carton of strawberries in your refrigerator over spring break
-do not trust people until they give you a reason to
-do not assume that everyone has your back
-don't drag people into your drama
-just because they're in college does not mean they are mature
-cafeteria food is a natural laxative
-one day home is one day home: it makes a world of a difference
-there is no such thing as being a morning person
-people can only understand you from their level of perception
-and even then, not everyone is going to understand
-you never really know someone until you live with them
-I actually have no clue what I'm doing or what I will be doing in 5 years
-once you start skipping class, it's hard to break the habit
-make friends with your professors, it has its benefits
-if you think it's the end of the world, it's not
-your most treasured friendships will come from the most random moments
-let the space between where you are and where you want to be motivate you
-you make the bed you lie in
-things are capable of getting a lot worse
-never underestimate the comfort that a "girl's night" can bring
-don't be afraid to spend time alone
-pitty parties are never pretty
-the friends that stick around to sit with you while you cry (and laugh while you do it) are the ones you need to keep
-it is a wise decision to create a separate budget for Cookout
-weak people tend to take the easy way out and end up hurting you the most
-do not assume someone cares until they give you a reason to believe that they do

I know it seems as though the majority of these things have a negative connotation, and in a way, they do. But that is the harsh reality of my year. I learned more about what not to do, than about what I should do. Not to say that my year was not full of happy moments. Believe you me, it was. This year has produced a handful of moments that will forever be etched into my memory as times in which I was the happiest. I am leaving here with more questions than when I came. But along with those questions, I am leaving with memories that I have deemed irreplaceable.

In the next week and a half, I will pack up my things: my ever-growing wardrobe, the unnecessary amount of boots, those sacred memories. And then my little Honda Civic will drive me back to my seaside town as if it knows the way by heart. Only to return in the fall with a new set of pictures to be taped to the wall in hopes of reminding me of my Freshman year of college.

I'm a tough cookie

Somewhere in the midst of this crazy semester I have lost contact with the part of me that used to write myself into a state of peace and out of the chaotic state of life. But what once was lost, is now found. I am back. My thoughts are flowing more consistently and the words are practically typing themselves. I could not be happier about that. There was a time in which I began to grow nervous about my future as a writer seeing that I was experiencing an all-consuming lack of creativity and inspiration. This was the first time, as a writer, that I have not been eager to record every part of my day. I was frightened. I have declared Journalism as my major and how can I expect to spend the rest of my career doing something that doesn't come easily to me? But this epidemic of "writer's block" did not last very long, thankfully. It could be blamed on my fast-paced life that has only gotten worse over the past few months. Or perhaps I was distracted by simply trying to make sense of all of this change that I did not find the time to explain it to you. But that's where I went wrong. It isn't until I put it in writing that I can fully comprehend a situation. I always say that I write more passionately and more clearly about the things that hurt. This semester has been tough. Friendships have been tested, hours of sleep have been exchanged for hours spent studying, and the confidence I once had in my potential has swayed. However, I think I am on my way back to normal, even though I have yet to figure out what my "normal" is. I am on my way back to a place where I am most comfortable. (That is, other than New York.)

If these college years are full of moments of questioning and times of digging deeper in search of motivation, then I will be just fine. I have resurfaced with an aching to write every thought down. I love my friends now more than ever. And I have a new found appreciation for myself and my ability to keep going.

This is Morgan, she keeps me sane. 

This is Adriana, she makes me laugh. 

This is LK, she challenges me.
(Of course, these are only a few of the many examples why I love my life and the people in it.)

getting peppy

Lately, learning to be content with my progress in this part of my life has been a concept that I have yet to grasp. Up until this point, I have crafted expectations concerning where I thought I would be. And it comes as no surprise to me that such standards and the lack of achieving them would cause disappointment. I sway between the idea of being discouraged with myself for being so demanding, and applauding myself for challenging myself to life beyond mediocrity. Then comes the black cloud of thoughts that rains nothing but visions of the city on my once productive day. "How about I just drop out of college, move to New York, and work three jobs. And all of that to sustain my dream of being a city girl," I often tell myself. Not to say that those things will never happen, because they will. However, the big girl mentality in me that is so difficult to find at times, interjects and declares that I cannot and will not create a habit of running from the challenging aspects of life.

Essentially, this post served as a pep talk to myself. We all need them sometimes. And along with the pep talk comes a pat on my own back. Good job Lili, you're doing better than you think. Whew.

Plans and pipe dreams

I stepped off the plane and into the fast paced rhythm of the city as if I had never left. 

Paralyzed with the desire to stay, I found myself scheming ways to make it happen. Drop out of school. Rent an apartment overlooking the Brooklyn bridge. Work three jobs just to pay rent. And then I would never have to leave again. And although that sounds like a perfect plan to me, I have much to learn before I embark on that one. Like how to do my own taxes. Grown up things, I suppose. But that plan is not on the back burner, I assure you. It is just waiting to be fulfilled. My days of five-floor walk ups and metro cards are closer than they were yesterday and that alone excites me. 

You see, the difference between a plan and a pipe dream lies solely on where you place it among your priorities. I plan to graduate college in four years. I plan to live in New York City. And then there's a pipe dream. Like that day when I was a little girl that I decided that working as the person who rode on the back of a dump truck would be an enjoyable and exhilarating career. That could have been a plan if I wanted it to. Let's be glad it's not. At this moment in time, those are the only things concerning my future that I am certain of. Some may call it the lack of planning, others may call it spontaneity. It doesn't really matter. What does matter, is that I am excited for my future, a feeling that I fear very few experience these days. 

Anyways, back to New York. 

I have never been so content with the feeling of being alone. And it's ironic, really. There are moments when I felt alone, until I realized that there are seven million other people here that feel the same way. So I was never actually alone in the first place. That's a comforting epiphany. I suppose anonymity would have been a better word for the way I felt. But I do not wish to remain anonymous forever. 

I realize that I only write about leaving the city. And I'm not exactly sure why that is. Perhaps the emotion of walking away from this place is more overwhelming in the moment. I often write harder and more clearly about what hurts. But I will say this. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to leave and I can write about how much I love this place. Until then, I will continue scrolling through my camera roll on my phone. And I will be convincing my mom and everyone else surrounding me that this is a good idea and far more than a pipe dream. 

See you soon, New York. You never let me down. 

One day.

There is pleasure in the process.

What a difference 84 days makes.

I am learning to be content with the circumstances I have been given instead of waiting for them to change before I can be happy.

I am learning to worship my way through the things that come in between Sundays.

I am learning to embrace the revolution inside of me. Even when nobody is looking (which, I have found, is the hardest of all).

I am learning to find pleasure in the processes of life. God's promises can be found in the process and not at the end of it. Promises of perfect peace, guidance, clarity, prosperity, grace, and a limitless love.

And I am learning that all of these things are part of the setting that God has put me in. A setting that has taught me more in 84 days than I have learned in my twelve years of grade school.  This is right where God wants me to be.

It's all about perspective people.

And yes, these things are all in the present tense because they are in progress, and will most likely still be in progress 3 years from now.

Oh the places I've found

I have immensely enjoyed my time in Charlotte. I am slowly finding my favorite places to spend my time and the company in which I choose to keep. There has been much comfort to be found in the shadows of the city. 

The fall color palette here is amazing. If there was such thing as unlimited storage on an iPhone, I assure you that the majority of my camera roll would consist of random photos of the mounds of golden leaves that are gathered at the trunk of every tree. 

My new favorite spot for blog brainstorming is Not Just Coffee ( found in the 7th Street Public Market ). Between the industrialized decor and eclectic customers, there is an environment that inevitably encourages and sparks creativity. Which is exactly what I have needed. There is only so much creativity that can be found within the four, white, concrete walls of my dorm room. 

Meet LK. She's pretty great. 

I have a feeling that these tables will hold stories of late night coffee dates with people who are yet to be named and memories that are waiting to be created. And I just can't wait.