Paralyzed with the desire to stay, I found myself scheming ways to make it happen. Drop out of school. Rent an apartment overlooking the Brooklyn bridge. Work three jobs just to pay rent. And then I would never have to leave again. And although that sounds like a perfect plan to me, I have much to learn before I embark on that one. Like how to do my own taxes. Grown up things, I suppose. But that plan is not on the back burner, I assure you. It is just waiting to be fulfilled. My days of five-floor walk ups and metro cards are closer than they were yesterday and that alone excites me.
You see, the difference between a plan and a pipe dream lies solely on where you place it among your priorities. I plan to graduate college in four years. I plan to live in New York City. And then there's a pipe dream. Like that day when I was a little girl that I decided that working as the person who rode on the back of a dump truck would be an enjoyable and exhilarating career. That could have been a plan if I wanted it to. Let's be glad it's not. At this moment in time, those are the only things concerning my future that I am certain of. Some may call it the lack of planning, others may call it spontaneity. It doesn't really matter. What does matter, is that I am excited for my future, a feeling that I fear very few experience these days.
Anyways, back to New York.
I have never been so content with the feeling of being alone. And it's ironic, really. There are moments when I felt alone, until I realized that there are seven million other people here that feel the same way. So I was never actually alone in the first place. That's a comforting epiphany. I suppose anonymity would have been a better word for the way I felt. But I do not wish to remain anonymous forever.
I realize that I only write about leaving the city. And I'm not exactly sure why that is. Perhaps the emotion of walking away from this place is more overwhelming in the moment. I often write harder and more clearly about what hurts. But I will say this. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to leave and I can write about how much I love this place. Until then, I will continue scrolling through my camera roll on my phone. And I will be convincing my mom and everyone else surrounding me that this is a good idea and far more than a pipe dream.
See you soon, New York. You never let me down.
One day.
