Happy Birthday, little love!

I recently spent one of my nights covering the four walls of Everly's new room with the sweetest shade of pink. I caught myself getting teary eyed in the process. Not that me crying randomly isn't out of the norm (Reece could attest to that). But because my imagination ran a little farther than I could handle, emotionally. Everly will dream of her wedding in that room. She will get ready for prom in that room. Crazy to think about.

Today is Miss Everly's third birthday. I find it difficult to type that. She has grown into the sweetest little girl and I am so fortunate that I get the opportunity to love her.

I hope you know today, just like every day, that you are loved more than your big personality and sweet heart could ever comprehend and that that will never change. You are destined for greatness, little love!

Love always,
Lulu

A post that isn't about New York

I have caught myself staring at this picture in every second of spare time that has come my way. Maybe it's the fact that there is a cozy fire nestled behind our backs, symbolizing that Fall is in full swing and so is my cold-weather wardrobe (which I love most). Or perhaps because this is one of my favorite moments with Reece and I am so glad someone captured it. Of course, maybe because he is so handsome. And although those are all promising possibilities, I do not think they are the sole reasons as to why this picture is etched into my memory and probably my pupils by now since I have looked at it so often.

There is not a lot of steadiness going on in my life right now. My feelings concerning class and alarm clocks aren't steady. My "I'm going to eat healthy today" attitude is not steady. My bank account couldn't be farther from steady. Except this one. He seems to be the most steady thing about my life right now. If you look close enough, I am sure it looks as though I am clinging to his arm for dear life. Not because I think he's going anywhere, he's not. But because I feel the need now, more than ever, to hold the ones I love and hold them close. That's a good enough reason, right?

It's funny how quickly your thought process changes when you fall in love. Death had never been on my radar. (Pause. I realize this post is more morbid than that of my usual upbeat, I heart New York frame of mind. But life isn't always upbeat. And I am trying to be a little less "life is like a perfect instagram post".) Of course, I was aware of it and knew that somewhere down the road I would be confronted by it. But with each obituary and news report I see, death moves it's way to the top of my list of things to be afraid of. It is a harsh thing and rarely comes with an explanation. I cannot bear the thought of losing someone that I love. And I would be lying if I told you that I've come to terms with my fears and realized that ultimately, it is out of my control. Just a thought. A rather dark one, at that. But these dark thoughts of mine turn into reasons as to why I should smile a little more today.

Contrails

I drove back to Rock Hill a couple weeks ago after spending some time frolicking in Charlotte, stuck in a frustrated state of mind. It seemed as though there was an airplane occupying every square inch of the sky. Coming. Going. Crossing each other's paths making a web of contrails that resembled my chaotic thoughts. Thoughts of other places. Thoughts of leaving behind everything that is familiar to me for a world full of those unanswered questions and unavoidable chaos. I have seemed to settle into the routine of identifying only the things I wish I could do, and the things I wish I had. I would imagine that that is not a healthy way of thinking. But I figure from those realizations will come my dreams, and those dreams will eventually turn into a reality. I hope.

Constellations

I have grown rather familiar with the way the stars fall on the tips of distant mountains. Their points seem to create constellations of their own, outlining the ragged edges of each peak. On nights when they are there, I drive sitting at the edge of the driver's seat in hopes of watching them dance with my headlights and the pair of headlights in front of me. It's all a mess. The order of the stars, the cracks in the paved highway, the thoughts in my head. But the chaos is so reoccurring that I imagine that it was put there for and reason and that it is never going to change. The questions that have no answers, the things that we cannot explain, they will remain unanswered and they will remain unexplainable.

She's back

Hello world! I suppose I have a tendency to sneak into the shadows from time to time. More often than not it occurs when I am amidst a season of change. You know those have always been my favorite times of the year.

I'll give you a quick update.

Two weeks into my sophomore year of college and I have already contemplated starting a countdown until graduation. It's not that I particularly hate school that much, but that day seems so far away. Therefore, a reminder that it is closer than it seems is necessary. Since I know you don't want to hear about my class load, we'll skip to the more interesting aspects of my life. Carley girl (my roommate), keeps me laughing, just as I thought she would. I am constantly reminded of how fortunate I am to have a weirdo like her in my life.  Reece is nothing short of incredible. On the days when I swear that things couldn't get any better, they do. One thing I have learned from him is that there is no timeline to be put on my life. I certainly did not expect myself to be as in love with someone as I am with him, at such a young age.

Goodness I get distracted easily. So back to what I was saying...

We read an article during my first class of Introduction to Religious Studies and I found it nearly impossible to not underline every word, it was just that good. Take a look at it. It raised a lot of questions for me. What gives your life meaning? Why do those things mean as much as they do?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/06/opinion/david-brooks-the-problem-with-meaning.html?_r=0 

sandy toes and smitten eyes

This summer has been good to me, thus far. What have I done? I would say that I have done nothing but that is partly a lie. I have done nothing, but in other places, with people that I thoroughly enjoy.

I just wrapped up a week at the beach with my roommate and her family. It was full of laughing fits, crappy carnivals, melted ice cream, and great food. Lots and lots of great food. I spent my week staring at the inside of a beach umbrella. catching the occasional ray of blinding sunlight through the tears in the cheap fabric. The colors had begun to fade, due to multiple summers in the sun, I suppose. It is the first extended amount of time that I have spent with Carley. That girl is awesome. Her demeanor is so relaxed that I sometimes have to ask her if she is okay because she is so peaceful. But there are also times when I swear I have never laughed so hard in my life. And she isn't phased by my strange ways, which is a good thing. I am so excited to take on sophomore year with her. There are many hysterical stories to come, I am sure of it.

Reece is great. More than great, actually. He is incredible. I am in a world of my own when he's around. And I don't think that feeling will ever go away. Below are some pictures from my summer, so far. I'm sure they won't make you swoon like they do for me, but they might make you smile. And that's good enough for me!


XOXO,
lil

Introducing Reece.

I am about to do what I promised myself I would never do: blog about a guy. However, this is not a post about my brother or just any guy. This is Reece. And once I am done here, you will understand why simply thinking these things just isn't enough.

Since Reece came along, my roommate and I have had a running joke: "From what rock has he been hiding under and does he have a friend?" (for Carley, of course). It is something that I ask myself on a daily basis. He came out of nowhere. There was no gradual introduction, or a grand gesture that you would see in a movie. He walked into my life as if he knew there was already a place for him there. I didn't know there was, but there was. At the time, I was bitter and jaded towards the idea that I would ever find a guy that would treat me how I deserved to be treated (pity party over).

And then came Reece. 

Tall. Extremely handsome. Brown Eyes. Contagious smile. All the things they describe in the story books. And then I grew familiar with his heart. Pure gold, I tell you. I know that I am biased, but when you meet him (notice I said "when", not "if") you will understand why I speak so highly of him. He pursued me in an intentional way that I did not know existed outside of the most romantic movies. No secrets. No games. No wasting each others time. Straight to the point. I think that's what caught my attention the most. It was apparent that this was not something that would be taken lightly. But if you didn't know this about me before, I am not very good at taking things lightly. I invest all my time and thoughts into the things that are important to me and there is no in-between. This was no different. 

It is so much more than the smiling in random places that I spoke of last summer. I find myself laughing at the thought that I thought I was happy then. But Reece made a good point (he's so smart). I was truly happy then. It was my normal. But this is my new normal. And in comparison to times that I thought I was happy before now, there simply isn't a way that this feeling could come close. 

I am a lucky girl. And that, my friends, is the understatement of the century. 

I won't reveal too many details just yet, seeing that I have a very long time to write this story. He will be around for a very long time. I have never been so sure of a single thing. Because when you know, you know. Right Reece? 

Fleeting images

Sweet, sweet summertime. I have always claimed that I would much rather live in an eternal winter than an eternal summer. However, that statement is on it's way to being reversed, I feel.

Summer is a symbol of peace. No more exams. No more showers in a hall bath. No more "I'm dropping out and never coming back" thoughts. Just me, the sun, and a plethora of good music. (I take much pride in my iTunes library, if you couldn't already tell.)

I can already tell that this will be a summer full of restoration. While I may have felt drained by the closing of a somewhat stressful and extremely challenging year, I feel that day by day, my cup is being filled by time spent with the people I treasure most. My nineteen-year-old brain is finally starting to realize that this life is short. My freshman year of college passed by as if it were an exit on a highway. Now it is nothing more than a fleeting image in my mind that I am sure I will reminisce on when I attempt to remember how it was to have little to no responsibilities. My point in saying all of this is that although I may have 90 years left to live (yes, I plan on living until I am 109), those 90 years will never be enough time with the people I love. Maybe I am starting to sound like your grandma, I know I sound like mine. However, the cliches that I repeatedly shook my head at are now proving themselves to be true. And quite honestly, it is beginning to scare me, this whole time passing quickly thing. Imagine how nostalgic I will be once I have a husband and kids to share my life with. Is time going to slow down then? Probably not.

So for the time being, I will revel at the bliss of a summer in the Lowcountry and a time in my life in which I have an unimaginable amount of things to look forward to.

Happy Summer! 

So long, Freshman year.

What a day. What a week. What a month. What a year. I'm almost positive I began my college experience sitting outside this coffee shop attempting to express to you my excitement and eagerness to launch myself into a new life. And oddly enough, that is how I am ending it. Technically, my freshman year is not complete. I am left with a week and a half in which I am sent into a state of abnormal and unhealthy sleeping patterns and the most interesting combinations of leggings and whatever clean shirt I can find (because let's face it, this college student LOATHES laundry). By the end of that time period, I feel as though I won't be my usual self. So it's probably best if I do this now.

I wish that I could easily map out the 10 most valuable, cookie-cutter lessons I've learned during my freshman year of college. Everyone else seems to have an abundant amount of knowledge in that department seeing that my Facebook newsfeed is literally blowing up with such articles. But this is not one of those, I assure you.

If someone were to ask me, "What did you take away from this year?", I would most likely laugh in their face. Not in an effort to be disrespectful, but simply because that is the worst question I have ever heard in my life. What didn't I learn this year? That would initiate a shorter response. I fear that no one is ever really prepared for the real answer that accompanies general questions.

So here is the raw and honest truth.

 -never wear cotton leggings to yoga class
-you don't know what procrastination is until you put off a 12 page paper for 6 hours until it's due
- foreign boys at Winthrop University are smooth talkers
-the American ones are smooth talkers too
-the only advantage to a hall bath is that you don't have to clean it yourself
- never leave a carton of strawberries in your refrigerator over spring break
-do not trust people until they give you a reason to
-do not assume that everyone has your back
-don't drag people into your drama
-just because they're in college does not mean they are mature
-cafeteria food is a natural laxative
-one day home is one day home: it makes a world of a difference
-there is no such thing as being a morning person
-people can only understand you from their level of perception
-and even then, not everyone is going to understand
-you never really know someone until you live with them
-I actually have no clue what I'm doing or what I will be doing in 5 years
-once you start skipping class, it's hard to break the habit
-make friends with your professors, it has its benefits
-if you think it's the end of the world, it's not
-your most treasured friendships will come from the most random moments
-let the space between where you are and where you want to be motivate you
-you make the bed you lie in
-things are capable of getting a lot worse
-never underestimate the comfort that a "girl's night" can bring
-don't be afraid to spend time alone
-pitty parties are never pretty
-the friends that stick around to sit with you while you cry (and laugh while you do it) are the ones you need to keep
-it is a wise decision to create a separate budget for Cookout
-weak people tend to take the easy way out and end up hurting you the most
-do not assume someone cares until they give you a reason to believe that they do

I know it seems as though the majority of these things have a negative connotation, and in a way, they do. But that is the harsh reality of my year. I learned more about what not to do, than about what I should do. Not to say that my year was not full of happy moments. Believe you me, it was. This year has produced a handful of moments that will forever be etched into my memory as times in which I was the happiest. I am leaving here with more questions than when I came. But along with those questions, I am leaving with memories that I have deemed irreplaceable.

In the next week and a half, I will pack up my things: my ever-growing wardrobe, the unnecessary amount of boots, those sacred memories. And then my little Honda Civic will drive me back to my seaside town as if it knows the way by heart. Only to return in the fall with a new set of pictures to be taped to the wall in hopes of reminding me of my Freshman year of college.

I'm a tough cookie

Somewhere in the midst of this crazy semester I have lost contact with the part of me that used to write myself into a state of peace and out of the chaotic state of life. But what once was lost, is now found. I am back. My thoughts are flowing more consistently and the words are practically typing themselves. I could not be happier about that. There was a time in which I began to grow nervous about my future as a writer seeing that I was experiencing an all-consuming lack of creativity and inspiration. This was the first time, as a writer, that I have not been eager to record every part of my day. I was frightened. I have declared Journalism as my major and how can I expect to spend the rest of my career doing something that doesn't come easily to me? But this epidemic of "writer's block" did not last very long, thankfully. It could be blamed on my fast-paced life that has only gotten worse over the past few months. Or perhaps I was distracted by simply trying to make sense of all of this change that I did not find the time to explain it to you. But that's where I went wrong. It isn't until I put it in writing that I can fully comprehend a situation. I always say that I write more passionately and more clearly about the things that hurt. This semester has been tough. Friendships have been tested, hours of sleep have been exchanged for hours spent studying, and the confidence I once had in my potential has swayed. However, I think I am on my way back to normal, even though I have yet to figure out what my "normal" is. I am on my way back to a place where I am most comfortable. (That is, other than New York.)

If these college years are full of moments of questioning and times of digging deeper in search of motivation, then I will be just fine. I have resurfaced with an aching to write every thought down. I love my friends now more than ever. And I have a new found appreciation for myself and my ability to keep going.

This is Morgan, she keeps me sane. 

This is Adriana, she makes me laugh. 

This is LK, she challenges me.
(Of course, these are only a few of the many examples why I love my life and the people in it.)

getting peppy

Lately, learning to be content with my progress in this part of my life has been a concept that I have yet to grasp. Up until this point, I have crafted expectations concerning where I thought I would be. And it comes as no surprise to me that such standards and the lack of achieving them would cause disappointment. I sway between the idea of being discouraged with myself for being so demanding, and applauding myself for challenging myself to life beyond mediocrity. Then comes the black cloud of thoughts that rains nothing but visions of the city on my once productive day. "How about I just drop out of college, move to New York, and work three jobs. And all of that to sustain my dream of being a city girl," I often tell myself. Not to say that those things will never happen, because they will. However, the big girl mentality in me that is so difficult to find at times, interjects and declares that I cannot and will not create a habit of running from the challenging aspects of life.

Essentially, this post served as a pep talk to myself. We all need them sometimes. And along with the pep talk comes a pat on my own back. Good job Lili, you're doing better than you think. Whew.